Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Things I've Learned the Hard Way

1. If you tell a mental patient that your computer has "a mind of it's own," they will believe you.

2. If you go in for a job interview at a doctor's office and the interviewer tells you they specialize in mental health, run, do not walk, out the door.

3. Most people, when they ask how you're doing, really don't want to hear about all the reasons you're having a crappy day. Yes, folks, we have therapists for that.

4. When you normally blog about everyday, mundane life, a blog about politics can fall right on it's well-meaning face.

5. When grandma calls you "dear heart," what she really means is "you moron." (Or in the South, "bless your heart" means "you're related to me so I can't call you stupid but that doesn't mean I don't want to give you a nice kick in the pants.")

6. If you tell someone you don't have kids, they will regale you with horror stories of their 72 hour labor, the 400 stitches they needed after it and the little hellions their children have become. Yes, even a perfect stranger will come up with the most intimate details to lovingly impart to you.

7. When you teach Sunday School to young children, please be prepared. They will come up with interesting questions that you'll have to answer in a true and yet tactful way. Examples, you ask? A seven year old once asked me what Potiphar's wife wanted Joseph to do that was so bad. (The answer is to go to bed with her. My response? "Well, she wanted him to do something really bad that Joseph knew was really bad and so he ran away so quick he left his clothes behind!" And so now, instead of them thinking about Joseph committing adultery, they're thinking about him running away naked. Good job, Sarah!)

Wow, I could go on and on. Maybe there'll be a part two.

And now, a picture to give you nightmares:



Janet said...

As to #6. If you ever decide to have kids, as soon as you're actually pregnant you will hear horror stories that make the ones you've heard up to now sound like lullabyes. I finally asked someone, "Do you WANT me to have a heart attack and die of fright? No? Then don't tell me!"

Yes, "bless your heart" is the phrase required immediately after saying something rude about someone.

Daryl said...

I have been the recipient of a 'bless your heart' from my grown/adult step daughter (who I adore)recently ... I dont think she knew I knew what she meant...

Thanks for your kind words and the visit!


mom said...

You should have pulled his ears too! - Like normal!

Janet said...

Oh, Daryl, your daughter should NEVER have said Bless your heart to your face!!!!! Dear me, what a faux pas.
Bless her heart.

Octamom said...

This was HILARIOUS!!! Particularly the first one! M's uncle is a psychiatrist--I bet you two could swap some doozies of stories...

Sandi McBride said...

Hi Sarah, wanted to come in and thank you for stopping by. I loved this post! I was a Sunday School teacher once, but when the janitor found me and untied me, I decided I couldn't control little ones...hope there is a part 2!

Carol said...

Sarah...these are priceless!! The things we learn, eh?!

Eddie Bluelights said...

Sarah, where have I been all this time! I laughed my socks off - I'm a reular now, my lady - btw Thanks for the kind comment about my mate, Stanley Holloway. That's what we should do to patients - have them in stitches!! There's plenty more on Plato's Procrastinations.
I'm on to oart 2 ~ Eddie