Thursday, November 13, 2014

I had a

miscarriage in June.  Since then, I've been struggling with grief and guilt.  Grief because, though my child was only with me for three months, I felt like it's mother.  It feels like losing my daughter.

I had a dream that she died and I thought that was the worst pain I could feel.  I was wrong.

Part of me thinks it would have been easier to bear if this had happened before I had a living child.  Because then I wouldn't know what I was missing.  But another part of me knows that going through a miscarriage before having a living child would make me very reluctant to try again.

Guilt because I know there are families who have lost so much more than me.  I feel like I'm overreacting, or that I'm not entitled to grieve, or that I should just forget and move on.

I've had friends, acquaintances and strangers give me accounts of babies they have lost and most seem to treat it like it's no big deal...or maybe it's just that enough time has passed that the pain and shock isn't so sharp.

Is that what I can look forward to, that blunted pain?  Lack of feeling, loss of interest?  Is it possible to heal, to forget?

Do I really want that?

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