Remembering

In honor of my baby who went to Heaven before I was ready.

A year ago today I discovered that a sweet baby I was expecting died while growing inside me.  I had no idea that anything was wrong until the ultrasound tech said, "I'm so sorry, Sweetie."

The doctor confirmed we had no heartbeat.

I was utterly destroyed.  My longed-for little baby was not to be.  Sad, grief, pain can not describe it.  I was drowning.

It took my dear sister reminding me that my little one was safe in Heaven, being rocked and cuddled by numerous great grandparents, aunts and uncles and friends before I was able to get some peace.  Even now, a year later I'm crying as I write this, jealous for the baby I never got to meet.

I've never been close-mouthed about this experience though I have found that many women are.  I'd like to make this something we don't feel the need to be silent about.  If you've had a miscarriage, you've lost a child.  You did nothing to cause it and there's nothing you could have done to prevent it.  My doctor told me that one in four pregnancies at least end in miscarriage and that number is likely higher, since many times women don't even know they were pregnant and some don't report it.

There is no shame in it and maybe by talking about it we can help each other.

My State of Mind

Here's where I am. I have definitely not given up hope and am looking forward to a healthy and perfectly average baby. BUT if God chooses to answer our prayers a different way than we like and THIS right here and now is the only time I have with her, I want to make sure I am enjoying and savoring every moment and SHARING her with everyone.

Want to touch my belly? Please let me know before you do but touch, by all means.

Want to feel her kicking? Bring me some pineapple juice and we will make that happen.

Ask me about her, say her name, tell me you're still praying. I need to hear it.

If God takes her before I'm ready I need to make sure she's not forgotten.

A million thanks to a man who went out of his way to tell me he's expecting a miracle for us and didn't let my teary eyes deter him.