Things I've Learned the Hard Way (Part 3)

Part One is here. Part Two is here.

16. Old men love me. Mr. Jim thinks I'm "awful cute." I think he's awful cute, too. Steven always says if I ever leave him I'll head to the nursing home to look for husband number two.

17. Young boys love me, too. Nick wants to marry me. Which is wrong on so many levels. One, he's in elementary school. Two, he's my nephew. Three, he's just not my type. Oh, and I'm already married.

18. Ten or so trips up and down the stairs per day is not enough exercise to keep my hindquarters from swelling to the size of a Honda Civic. Honda Civic: Little for a car, huge for a backside. Wouldn't that make a great motto for them?

19. On a related note, Steve and I are Buttertons! Isn't that great?!


20. Nail-biting from recent Red Wings loss + late night cherry pitting = hands that look like they belong on a zombie in a cheesy horror flick.

21. Old people use a lot of toilet paper. It's true! Recently I asked the church folks to save cardboard tubes (ie tp tubes, paper towel rolls, gift wrap tubes, etc) along with coffee cans and spice shakers for a craft project I'm doing with the kids next month. Well the coffee cans and spice containers are slowly coming in, but I'm buried in mountains of toilet paper tubes! Seriously. Every kid in Memphis could have a toilet paper megaphone and I'd still have leftovers!

And now, a picture of my mother-in-law and I at the Memphis Zoo. Note how she exults in the suns' rays while I hide from them.

22. Yet another thing I've learned the hard way: the sun hates me. I don't tan, I burn, peel and become pasty again. Curses, fair skin!

Things I've Learned the Hard Way (Part 2)

Part 1 is here.

8. If you give a mouse (or a hubby) a cookie, he'll need a glass of milk to go with it. And another cookie. And another one. And some more milk.

9. No matter how many dishes you wash, there will always be one more, lurking behind the soap dispenser or hiding in the bathroom (ice cream, anyone?)

10. If your boss catches you blogging at work, you will suddenly find yourself with heaps, boxes, and buckets full of extra work. Just because occasionally my job gets put on hold when inspiration strikes doesn't mean I'm not busy as a beaver. (And my work still gets done.) Take that, Boss Lady!

11. There are a lot of James Dean haters in this world. You wouldn't believe all the emails I got disagreeing with my last blogs' vampire choices. I still think he'd make a perfect vampire, though. Please don't take Rebel Without a Cause too seriously. I know he was a little whiny in it...

12. Reaching the end of a good book is almost unbearably sad to me. I'm almost afraid to pick up my old familiar Steinbecks and Vonneguts. Even though I know the ending, it's depressing to know it's over. (I finally finished Twilight, can you tell?)

13. Church ladies are unbelievably patient and too nice to tell the truth when it's hurtful. Even if the dish you made for the church potluck smells like a wet dog that rolled in garbage, they'll eat it and say how yummy it is. Then they'll wash your dishes and THEY don't miss any!

14. If someone who is known to "hear voices" asks you if you heard it too, it's best to say no. Just when you're uttering the words, "You know, maybe I DID hear something..." somebody with a straitjacket will show up and drag you off to the funny farm. Or maybe your boss will just give you a look that asks if you need to be medicated.

15. My family lurks. I know they read this; maybe they just don't want anyone else to know. Come on guys, say something! (Uncle John, I know you're out there!!!)

Okay so forget all the rest. Maybe you'll respond to this:

Ain't they cute? You know you want to tell me about it!

Things I've Learned the Hard Way

1. If you tell a mental patient that your computer has "a mind of it's own," they will believe you.

2. If you go in for a job interview at a doctor's office and the interviewer tells you they specialize in mental health, run, do not walk, out the door.

3. Most people, when they ask how you're doing, really don't want to hear about all the reasons you're having a crappy day. Yes, folks, we have therapists for that.

4. When you normally blog about everyday, mundane life, a blog about politics can fall right on it's well-meaning face.

5. When grandma calls you "dear heart," what she really means is "you moron." (Or in the South, "bless your heart" means "you're related to me so I can't call you stupid but that doesn't mean I don't want to give you a nice kick in the pants.")

6. If you tell someone you don't have kids, they will regale you with horror stories of their 72 hour labor, the 400 stitches they needed after it and the little hellions their children have become. Yes, even a perfect stranger will come up with the most intimate details to lovingly impart to you.

7. When you teach Sunday School to young children, please be prepared. They will come up with interesting questions that you'll have to answer in a true and yet tactful way. Examples, you ask? A seven year old once asked me what Potiphar's wife wanted Joseph to do that was so bad. (The answer is to go to bed with her. My response? "Well, she wanted him to do something really bad that Joseph knew was really bad and so he ran away so quick he left his clothes behind!" And so now, instead of them thinking about Joseph committing adultery, they're thinking about him running away naked. Good job, Sarah!)

Wow, I could go on and on. Maybe there'll be a part two.

And now, a picture to give you nightmares:



Scared?